Discovery, how sweet thou art!

Have you non-readers of mine picked up that my entries are not frequent?
They are the overflow of contemplation,
of emotion I insist I do not have.
-shrug-
I suppose only once in a long while does the heart spill out,
and unfortunately, it is only what will not fit, not the whole.
I would thoroughly enjoy to look back at the words and see the self I cannot contact.
Maybe somebody will crack me one day so I don't have to try so hard to crack myself?

Don't get me wrong.
Certainly, I've cracked;
this entry may be testimony to that.

I only wish I weren't so tough to figure out.
Perhaps my relationships would be more fulfilling?
Perhaps I would not thirst so?
Perhaps the prospect of new relationship would more comfortably thrive?

My mind is elsewhere.
My heart? I've yet to discover.

Maybe I avoid this heart of mine,
for its feeling is far too strong to bear.
Alas! I've discovered;
my heart is so full, so sensitive, that I find it easier to shut down.

Ah, discovery, how sweet.

Again---

-deep intake of breath-

I fight,
or I must.
I dive,
and I hope to find the surface once more.

Can I be the first to rise,
the winner of the prize,
when I was fallen for so long?

Will grace be mine,
so amazing
that I might achieve this goal?

My goal is survival
for which I must be most fit.

The heart fights,
but the mind dies. 

Strong Enough...

I face a new chapter in my life,
one that seems frighteningly similar to those already faced.

I've tried to remain optimistic, not allow myself to victimize myself.  ... but just once, I want to admit that I am scared.  I should trust God; He never gives us more than we can handle.  I'll be alright, but until then, I am apprehensive.

I keep saying my mom's cancer is in God's hands,
and I don't necessarily fear her death.
I do fear my father's stability and strength to support her,
and I hate to see her hurt,
so oblivious to the hand reaching out to her.

and financial stability at this point seems so elusive,

and I repeatedly abuse relationships granted to me,

and I just want to voice
that I am NOT strong enough to deal.

I cannot keep this to myself,

and am I strong enough to fight all this as I've vowed?

God is strong enough. He is.

I hate that I have to try to remember.

to Arkansas... again?

-single- after 7.5 months of relationship-ness.

going to Arkansas again... two days from now. Will be there for the summer.

-sucking- at school.

... to Arkansas!!!

Jason and I have been dating for two months now. Good thing, no? I would say so.

This weekend:
going to Arkansas via Greyhound bus. It should be pretty amazing. It's taking me about 12 and a half hours to make a 6 hour trip, but these are the sacrifices I must make. ^_^
Heck, PGCC was good enough to find me a way there; I cannot complain.

I will be in Texarkana for FOUR HOURS.
I will be in Fort Smith for ONE HOUR.
Then, it's Fayetteville, where I will be picked up by a mass of males.

I'm bringing a book with me. It will either be Chronicles of Narnia or some Harry Potter novel. Rowling may have ruined my Harry Potter experience by tainting my view of Dumbledore unnecessarily, so I think I'll be reading the Chronicles.

.... and my job is secured. YAYYYY!!!